healing process or dying process

Who can tell?
I’m bothering myself trying to figure out profound and somewhat stupid questions.
So the new question is, am I in the healing process, or the dying process?
If I end my life in few years, the answer would definitely be the latter. But again, who can tell?
And that’s the problem. No one knows if I’m healing or dying.
It’s subject to the future. Whether I die young or not determines the answer.
If I didn’t have families and friends, I’d die.
But I can’t because I feel so sorry for them.
I want to swallow hundred pills at one time and pass away immediately. This.. is not the place I want to stay. No, I don’t want to stay anywhere.
I want to be nowhereeeeeee
Oh dear friends and families let me go
Let me quit this disgusting survival game



Aaaaaaahhh Idk what to do
what should I do
How can I survive